Hello Wild Ones 🧡🧡🧡
I hope you are good and doing awesome things. My hope is that you are taking time to listen to your feelings. I am currently full of hope and peace.
Welcome to my rumble. Today I will be talking about my insecurities and if you relate don’t hesitate to shoot me a message on messenger, email, or Instagram. (I am really enjoying engaging with guys)
So top things I am very insecure about:
- My intelligence– I knew that I was smart way before I even knew that I knew who I was. Most of my identity as a kid was the girl who is always position one and I remember the first time I wasn’t position one in high school, everyone who knew me didn’t understand why I hadn’t passed. Despite having good grades, I still felt like a very big part of myself and I spent the rest of my high school trying to be that girl. I just wanted to really good at academia, I just wanted to be the perfect student. So many years later I am still that girl that craves to be seen as the smart one.
- My boobs– My boobs started growing when I was in class three and I remember my aunt and my mum inspecting me while announcing that I was becoming a woman. After that, my boobs just got bigger and bigger until around form three high school. Around class six, I remember I used to get a lot of attention because of them. From old men enough to be my father in the streets shouting from a mile away, “Great Boobs” and Jackson my class always too close my boobs and hands always brushing over them by ‘mistake’ to male teachers requesting we wear sweaters in class not seduce them. Other than that I really wish I just had really small perky boobs that allowed me to wear cute bralettes and tops. I hate bra shopping with a passion.
- My writing– Writing is at the core of my identity ever since people started asking me what I wanted to be I was said writer five out of ten. In the primary, my English Essay was always being read in class and I always had a diary full of poems and articles. I have always wanted to write with brevity like Binyavanga Wainaina, with prowess like Ngugi was Thiongo and tell revolutionary content like Chinua Achebe and Chimamanda Adichie but sometimes when I look at my content, I think to myself, “Woow that’s some basic shit you have going on!!!”
- My relationships– I grew up in a very weird set up. I would call it dysfunctional but I am not sure it was that bad but it was not that good either. My whole childhood was plagued with a lot of weird stuff that kids shouldn’t have to deal with or even know about. My biggest fear is to project my childhood trauma to people so I always find reasons to walk away from healthy relationships and I run towards unhealthy relationships and pain. It’s like I have a motto, ‘It ain’t love until you are struggling.’
- My Strength– I am the type of person who waits to be extremely in pain to take painkillers. I have this intense desire in me to be the strong one. I don’t ask for help until I have checked a thousand times that I really can’t swim. I also have this thing where I keep tabs on how many times I ask for help from people, for example, if I come to you for emotional support once, I try my best to never come to you again. These things are not black and white, they are internalized, I just find myself doing them. I guess I just want to be the strong black woman so badly.
What are your insecurities? How do you deal with them?
With love and insecurity,