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Cracked

Posted by jackie on May 28, 2020May 28, 2020

Hello Wild Ones,

I hope you are well and doing great. The rain has probably passed and the clouds haven’t so I don’t know if it’s going to rain again.

Cracked

Concealed and shut away

Begging to never be seen

Because you have seen enough

You believe that life has every to offer

Prim and proper no mistakes no wrong

We fight to keep all it all in

No, let yourself be cracked

Let the light sip through the cracks

Then you will know that you haven’t seen enough

With love and loooove,

Jackie

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One of the questions I asked my therapist was how long it would take to feel normal again. She told me to write a letter to my 'normal' self and telling her all that has changed. While writing this letter, I put certain things as things I could only do when I felt "normal". Whenever opportunities to do these things came, I would run away because I had decided. I had decide that I wasn't worthy of certain spaces because I was healing. While everyone else looked at me like this broken item that needed fixing, I am the one who gave the broken lense to see me through. I was walking through life waiting for the day I heal then I can reward myself with everything I gave up. Then one day I came to realise that I had ostracised myself from the world just because I had things I needed to heal from. Don't get me wrong of course there's need to step back and give yourself space to heal when you go through something. Just don't lock yourself in when you meant to create a healthy boundary. As soon as I wrote this, I wondered what the difference between these two is. I honestly wouldn't know. I just know that I deserve a life and refuse to punish myself for having gone through a trauma. I am doing the work to be better and I know better. I am going to be fine and those around are also going to be fine. ⠀

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I always crave baked goods when I am really sad. I remember when I was really struggling with mourning the loss of a friend, and I was always buying samosas. My friends would always joke about how small people love eating, but later, I figured that I had only started the Samosa obsession after losing my friend. Samosas are still my number one comfort food even now. I was never soothed with food as a kid, so I am not sure where the binge eating came from. Maybe it’s because we would only eat baked goods on special occasions as kids, so now my brain is seeking to feel special, so I don’t really crave the goods; I just crave the feeling of special occasions. Who knows? Knowing the signs you are not okay helps you catch negative coping mechanisms and replace them with good ones.⠀

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