Jackie’s Diary Entry Gone Public
So today’s episode of my almost pathetic life, I will be letting you see what I think about my emotions and spirit sometimes. I don’t know what exactly you are going to gain from this. I mean it’s just my thoughts, total ramble, and rant about my life. You could even call it bullshit!! Trust me, call it so sometimes too. You could even wonder why I am letting total strangers see exactly what a mess I am. Okay now, I need to start!!
Sometimes I feel so sad and down for no reason. I find myself creating the saddest shit in my mind. I walk around looking for things to fill this void or distract me from this weird feeling. My favorite is eating it away. In those moments, I often wonder, am I the one creating this pain for myself? Am I actually stressed? Am I forcing issues? Can I even call this being depressed or am I romanticizing the idea of me being another introvert who gets depressed once in a while?
I remember when one of my friends passed on and I was really sad; I kept questioning why I was mourning him so much. I didn’t understand why I felt so bad considering the fact that we weren’t that close. Why was I even crying? Why did it hurt when the world looked like it was moving on one week after his death? Was I overreacting? Was I making his death about me? Why was I still feeling bad about it two weeks after he was gone?
Maybe I am just too sensitive and I don’t know how to deal with every time I feel stuff. Maybe I need to get over myself and stop being so butthurt by everything. Some days I wake up and I feel really sad and I often wonder, “Am I depressed or just moody?” Other times I am just overwhelmed by everything and I often, “Am I just stressed about stuff then deciding to call it depression?” Other times like recently I have no will to do anything, I just show up because I have to and I wonder, “Am I depressed or just lazy and unmotivated?’
It’s hard to tell if I am a drama queen who is always letting everything she feels to take over her day or I am actually a person who needs to get therapy or just a very sad person. The biggest fear is to be one of those people who romanticize depression and make every little sad thing a cause of depression while the other is actually ignoring the fact I need to get help. The fact that I have a melancholic personality, doesn’t help the situation.
At this point, I wanna write you guys so type of call to action but I don’t have anything. I am kinda too emotionally tired to say anything. I am also confused. Am I depressed or just very sad or just very dramatic?
For the love of sad shit find this really good song
With love and melancholy,