Jackie’s A to Z
I hope you are well and doing great. I am also well and feeling alive. Let’s get to it.
Today’s Commercial Break
Everyone has a space in their chest, soul, heart, or head that they are always trying to fill. Mine exists in my heart, head, and spine. Let’s start with the one in my heart. This one will be an ode to all the boys that I have loved. The ones that thought that I was loyal and amazing and that I actually loved them for who they were and that they made me happy. I am sorry to announce that you probably only filled a hollow. See, I am the girl who never grew up with a father so when the first man claimed to love me, I made it my duty to love them. I could already see the headlines in my head “Fatherless Girl can Indeed make a man happy” She has never known the love of man but she somehow convinced one to love her. Maybe I love them maybe I was just looking for my dad to fill the hollow of bottomless questions of my existence. This would explain why my favorite possessive pronoun was his even before I saw mine. I was just a broken girl who had no business loving anyone doing the small steps of how to fill a hollow. I am sorry that you only a lesson to my journey, in a perfect world we would have been perfect for each other.
Let’s go to my head. I see in pictures. In the dull day, my pictures are in black and white, and on a good day, everything is colored and bright just like the movies. I fill my hollow with fantasies. Where the questions race too much, it means there are a million pictures flashing around my head and my heart is begging to let out. Have I thought of stabbing my own heart? Yes. The hollow in my head teaches the beauty of death. How withering isn’t such a bad thing. The flashing pictures would stop. My heart would no longer struggle to pump. My veins wouldn’t feel so loud to me begging me to at least cut through them. It would all be silent. I would be eternally okay. That’s what having a small Bermuda in my head tells me and sometimes I can see where the lies are and other times all I see is the what-ifs of my death. I try to fill this hollow by staying busy, avoiding being alone in my dark times, calling friends, texting dumb stuff. Sometimes it works other times I just lay in bed picturing stars and whispering ‘ Twinkle Little star’ begging for sleep to take me.
The hollow in my spine keeps me away from high buildings. It gives me a desire to jump off buildings not because I want to die but my spine just likes danger. It begs me to look for danger and run with it. I am the girl you don’t bring to a party because my spine will ensure that I embarrass you. My spine seeks to be seen. It seeks to feel. So I do the riskiest I can do to feel and then write my feeling on the internet for the whole world to see. I strip my soul naked for everyone to see.
Well, that was a long rumble. I honestly don’t know what you would again from this. I just hope you relate in some level also remember that you are an awesome human being and you deserve to love yourself and show up for yourself.
In other news what I am wearing:
- My peyote beads
- Featuring my legs and heavy turn of insecurities with those
- My afro hair…. I was gonna wash it today but I couldn’t deal with cold water
- The common blue scarf… You can call me girl with a blue scarf now
- My anklet
- My rugged green crop top with pink flowers
- My promise-to-be-there-for-myself rings
- A knee-length white skirt with black stripes
- The Usual Maasai Sandals
With Loooooove and Sunshine 💖🌞💖🌞, Jackie