Hello Wild Ones 🌹🌹🌹
I hope you are well and that great things are happening for you. My prayer is that you know how awesome you are. I am currently really proud of how awesome I am and the dope things I continue to do.
Today’s Commercial Break
One of my biggest fear is to be the reason someone is going through a rough time or affect someone’s mental health in any way. I have been through hell with my mental health and I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy half the pain that I went through during my darkest days. I also fear being the source of false information and as my blog grows this fear becomes more crippling. Sometimes blogs sit in my draft for months before I have the courage to post them. I obsess over some of the details and wonder if I am saying the right thing. Of course, that’s when I came to the conclusion that this blog is for me!!! Sounds a little selfish I know…..but listen…My opinion is not a fact🤷🏿♀️🤷🏿♀️ ; A conclusion that I came to after a series of events and holding myself accountable.
This all starts back in August when the person who I had written about my story about consent came bashing me and trying guilt for writing about my experience ( You can read it to understand the context). Although I knew I was not in the wrong for sharing my experience and I didn’t even write his name, it still bugged me a little. I remember feeling really gaslighted by him but at the same time questioning my experience and my decision to write. I wondered if I had blown the story out of proportion even though I knew I had really struggled with body image issues after that experience. I had felt like my body wasn’t mine because I had said ‘no’ and not listened to. I felt weak for not being strong enough to keep saying ‘no’. I wondered if putting my story out there had been right and if I owed to him to ask for permission to write about my trauma caused by him. I wondered if it was my responsibility to worry about the effect of my opinion on him. I was conflicted that I even went on Reddit to ask for advice and texted every friend I knew to ask if was wrong. Of course, I later decided that I did not have to ask for permission to write about the fact that we kissed in a situation that didn’t make me feel safe and he had put a lot of pressure on me. My feelings were valid and if he couldn’t deal with the fact that that’s what I felt about the situation, it was not my job to make him feel better.
This experience and many others like the people who came to my inbox expecting me to open up and also the self-righteous people I had to deal with made me feel like I was going through this blogging thing the wrong way. I remember second-guessing every bit of information on my blog. I spent days wondering if all those people who had come to my inbox saying that I had changed their lives or inspired them had been fed the wrong message. For example, someone really came at me for the ‘boundaries‘ post with something about spreading love and I remember being very confused if I had said anything to mean that you can’t have boundaries and still love people🤷🏿♀️🤷🏿♀️. Another person literally took my whole self-love message to mean I was spreading a message about selfishness and the whole concept of saying ‘me first’ was wrong. I knew that boundaries and self-love are important in loving others so these messages shouldn’t have affected me. But the fact that these two people took their time to write all those messages and send them to me all that hateful had me questioning everything.
I remember feeling very incompetent and everything. I worried that I had been creating content that is not good for people. I spent a lot of time trying to find people that could validate me and my work but even after the validation, I still didn’t feel good about my work. It is funny how so many people can tell you how you are a ray of sunshine but one person says one negative thing and it’s all you see. I had to sit with myself and question my intention for writing and how I wrote. Some of the questions that helped be accountable to myself are below.
After a long deliberation about this, I decided that this blog is for me. I decided that as long as my intentions are pure and I have fact checked what I am saying then I shouldn’t be worried what other people say. I owe to myself to remain true to my desire to express myself authentically and hopefully spark conversations through that.I also realized that my opinions aren’t facts so they are not uniform everyone else’s and I cannot control the fact some people cannot bare seeing others being different from them. I also decided to take more lessons and read more on the content that I create so that no one will ever make me feel less.
How do you hold yourself accountable as a blogger?
With Loooooove and Sunshine 💖🌞💖🌞, Jackie