Hello there, (I guess y’all enjoy my unreciprocated cry for you guys to name yourselves)
I hope you are keeping safe and taking care of your mental health. In Today’s Randomness, I will be letting you guys in on my journey to free the boys that broke my heart by cheating on me as I try to come to terms with the fact that they didn’t find me worthy of their unconditional love without betrayal that I was supposed to share them with every Tammy, Harriet, and Daisy. I have come to know that their cheating had to nothing to do with me but I cannot shake off the betrayal and the traumatic effects that come with it. So in my journey to forgiveness and desire to leave those demons in my past, I chose to find reasons why this happened. This is not only to find closure but also to allow me to empathize with them (Just a little though).
A little bit background: Dark Chocolate boy and I had the most kind intense of young love, the kind that has you picking baby names despite your young age because how could it not be meant to be? He had me deciding that I wanted to go to the same university as me so I chose the same universities as him. We just had to experience campus life together. He was probably my first true love. If there was a time that I loved someone with every egg that I had in my life all shambled up in one basket it would be that time. When he said jump and I shrilled like a fool “How high my king?” I remember he was in a phase of desiring to be a DJ and I remember allowing myself to be fooled the silly memes making rounds about building a man and always encouraging him. I googled everything there was to know about being a DJ and making notes for him while also finding an app that supplied me with enough quotes to keep this boy motivated. I was going to help him grow into the best DJ in the world because that’s what women do. Slowly I started to see my one of not so close friends posting Dark Chocolate boy too many times while also posting my app generated quotes with caption #bae. The signs were right in front of my eyes but my love drained mind couldn’t register no matter how the white the lies were in the darkness. I just didn’t seem to see it!! It took him ignoring me for a whole week while I continued to make excuses for him; I was literally texting him daily encouraging to keep working hard since he had to be very tired from school, that’s why he didn’t have the time to answer my texts. It had to be that. It had to be that. By Sunday, I already knew exactly what had happened. So, I texted boy child that I was tired of waiting on him and that we should just be friends and he just replied with emoji below. Nothing else!!! Then put a girl on his Whatsapp Profile picture immediately.
I just like that!! All my nights of research and motivation speeches had gone to another girl in less than five minutes just like that. Y’all don’t even wanna know the trouble I went through to move on from that boy!
So now that we are all caught up let’s see what the internet has to say about his actions now that after so many times wondering what was wrong with me, I realized that I had never been the problem. It was always him but this is no consolation because then you realize that no matter what you can be perfect for someone and they will still cheat on you. So join me in this weird research, will you?
Some of the reasons listed are:
- Falling out of love- Maybe he no longer loved me and didn’t know how to tell his over-enthusiastic girlfriend and he didn’t know how to dump me. I mean I did do too much for this guy. To be honest I often suspect I have never even loved myself more than I loved him.
- Feeling Unloved– Maybe I didn’t do enough for him. Yes, I already said what I did for him and how much that’s a lot. But maybe I never really addressed his love language; I just loved him the way I wanted to be loved.
- Low Self Esteem– Maybe he had self-esteem issues and he needed more than one person to make him feel better about himself. Having many girls chasing after him made him a better man.
- Commitment Issues Maybe he was a nineteen-year-old who didn’t want to commit at such a young age. He just felt suffocated by all this expectation to show up for me even though all I wanted is his replies to my texts.
- Situations and opportunity Maybe he was caught up in a situation that led him to cheat. Maybe it was a very tricky situation that he could come out of. Maybe it was just a moment of weakness.
- Anger Maybe he was mad at me at something I did and he got comfort from someone in that moment and it led him to wind up cheating on me.
- The desire for variety Maybe he just wanted to have fun around the world before he could get tied down.
- Undealt with Trauma– Maybe he had other underlying issues that he chose to ignore so they manifested in him causing him to cheat. Maybe his issues caused him to self-sabotage.
All the maybes in the world but none will ever make me understand why he did that to me. Nothing in the world will ever make the feeling of inadequacy okay. I remember blatantly comparing myself with the girl he cheated on me with just to understand why. I did a lot of retail therapy and wrote very many poems about my supposed tragic life. After a few years, I have been able to forgive him and allowed myself to agree that I couldn’t have done anything to stop him from cheating but nothing will ever make what he did okay. Just break up with someone if you feel the need to cheat on them; nobody deserves to always wonder why they were not enough. Nobody deserves to walk through life with fear of love and trust because of you no matter how shitty they are.
Anyway, feel free to like, comment, and share!!!! Find another song to cry to here.
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With love and heartbreak,