As the title says, I am on a streak of love and all its issues (It must be February). After my first post about love, one of my friends and I got talking about how much effort goes into being in a long term relationship and how much Forgiveness goes into the whole thing. This conversation got me wondering at what point do you decide that you do not forgive at all, and when do you stop being forgiving and walk away.
There are so many quotes surrounding the thought that “Everyone hurts you; you just need to choose someone that worth getting hurt.” This kind of mentality has people sticking around abusive relationships while others support their cheating partners just because they found the one person they are willing to suffer for. Social Media praises this kind of people for taking a lot of the bullshit from their partners (especially women) in the name of love. I am not discrediting the need for Forgiveness and second chances in relationships; I am curious at what point is it too little and what point is stupidity. So yeah, Let’s find out what the internet has for us.
My deep dive into the internet gave me a new perspective on all this. First, Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation; you can forgive someone and choose not to have them in your life. You can forgive someone and still decide to tell not to them. You can forgive someone for a crime they committed and still, believe that they deserve punishment. I realized that Forgiveness is not only a process, but also it’s mostly for the benefit of the aggrieved. It allows the victim to take the power that the perpetrator took when they wronged them.
Forgiveness is more complicated than people think, and it takes a lot of effort to reach the point of Forgiveness and peace. The notion that someone is stupid for forgiving their partner is insensitive, and to expect people to forgive is even more callous, especially in cases where the perpetrators hope that their guilt can be relieved through the Forgiveness of their victim. However, it’s important to say that when the victim keeps forgiving a perpetrator for a specific mistake, it reduces the self-worth and respect of the victim to oneself. This means that there is something like giving someone too many chances, and it is advisable to leave when you find yourself in a cycle of forgiving the same mistake.
To be honest, this was not the direction that I wanted in this article. I was hoping to go in on these people who keep walking back to their partners and let them know how Forgiveness is not the way, but I realized that Forgiveness is not even about the perpetrator. It’s all about the victim and how the anger they hold gives the perpetrator power because every time you see them, you get angry at their actions. Forgiveness is about letting go of the grip of the hurt and allowing yourself to heal. It is also about you, meaning you choose how and when you want to do it, no one should pressure you.
If you are human, I guess that there is someone who you are yet to forgive. My hope for you is that you find the strength and grace for yourself to find that peace.
With love and sunshine,
Mayo clinic staff,2017. Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness. Mayo Clinic. Available at: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692 Accessed on February, 8th, 2020
Treleaven.S.,2016. Forgiveness: And why too much is bad for your relationship. Chatelaine. Available at: https://www.chatelaine.com/health/forgiveness-why-too-much-is-bad-for-your-relationship/ Accessed on February, 8th, 2020
Streep.P,2014. When you should and should not forgive. Psychology Today. Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201410/when-you-should-and-should-not-forgive Accessed on February, 8th 2020
Bedrick.D.J.D; Dipl.PW. 2014. 6 Reasons not to forgive, not yet. Psychology Today. Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/is-psychology-making-us-sick/201409/6-reasons-not-forgive-not-yet Accessed on February, 8th 2020
Jacobson.S.2013. Forgive and Forget Hard? 12 Reasons why you can’t move on. Harley Therapy. Available at: https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/forgive-and-forget-move-on.htm Accessed on February, 8th 2020
Brandt.A.2014.How do you forgive, even when it feels impossible? Psychology Today. Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/201409/how-do-you-forgive-even-when-it-feels-impossible-part-1 Accessed on February, 8th 2020
Hart.J.D,2013. There’s power in Forgiveness, but can you forgive too much? Motivation Mama. Available at: https://motivationmama.typepad.com/motivation_mama/2013/03/theres-power-in-forgiveness-but-can-you-forgive-too-much.html Accessed on February, 8th 2020
Tugend.A.2013.Sometimes it’s not good to forgive. New York Times. Available at: https://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/23/your-money/why-its-not-always-good-to-forgive.html Accessed on February, 8th 2020