Picking Your Family
Hello Wild Ones ❤❤❤,
I hope you are well and giving yourself VIP treatment. You are the most important person you know so never treat yourself less than. You deserve the best things in life. Yes, I have been away. I got a 9-5 internship and it has been really hard coming back. I am hoping that I can be consistent again. Preferably I will post 2 blogs twice per week for the next year.
Today’s Commercial Break
Other things may change us, but we start and end with family.Anthony Brandt, writer
When I was five years old, my teacher asked who the head of my family was and I said, ‘My mother’, and the whole class burst out laughing. This was the first time I realized that my family was different. I had never really felt my father’s absence until I had to see other people have answers for how their father behaves. This would shape the dream for the kind of family I wanted as a kid.I was raised by a single mom. Growing I always wondered what it was like to be with both parents. I am grateful that I had people in my life who stepped up to be my surrogate fathers but I still yearned for the ‘complete‘ family unit. Even more when the family in-law drama came to be. Reading Meg Jay’s book confirmed something I chose to always stand by when I saw all the things that my mom had to go through at the hands of her in-laws. I decided that I wouldn’t get married in a family that didn’t like me or respect me. And, yes, I know you are marrying the man and not the family. But you are still becoming a part of that family. I also credit lots of my trauma to these strained relationships directly and indirectly. This is just my belief and it might change with time although it’s highly unlikely. And yes, I know all the flawed factors in this belief.
There is something scary about picking your family. It’s not romantic. It means you aren’t just waiting for your soulmate to arrive. It means you know you are making decisions that will affect the rest of your life. It means you are thinking about the fact that your relationship needs to work not only in the here and now but also in the there and then.- Meg Jay, Author
In her book, The Defining Decade, Meg Jay talks about how the western culture is individualistic, prizes independence and self-fulfillment. This is why we view marriage as a union for just two people but in the olden days it was considered the joining of two families. She goes to talk about how viewing marriage like this robs many people of the chance to pick and create new families. She goes further and points out that people who had unfortunate childhoods often feel like they are not worthy of familes but those are the one’s that must be very careful with who they choose as family. They may not be the reason they lacked out on family but they have a responsibility to themselves to chose partners and spaces that allow them to have good family. She goes on to emphasize how people like this are always looking for homes in different spaces and people. Then she ends it by emphasizing why one must not take love for granted. Should the love end in marriage, it will be a family and if kids come into the picture, it is even more important to be more intentional with choices.
Picking and choosing families is not just for your kids but also for you. You deserve to have family that loves and cherishes you. While you are already know that there are friends that have turned into family, it is important to be intentional with a love that will lead to a bigger family.
You might be wondering what it means to pick and choose families. I once had Sharon Mundia say once (can’t find the specific video) how it is important to come up with rules and values that you want your family to have . Then recently a member of Over25 (can’t remember who) said that one thing that should always be red flag is a grave difference in values because those barely change in most people. I am not an expert on this love thing but I believe that would be the first place to start. Understand what values mean the most to you and why then make sure that you always set boundaries for them. I am still learning this and I hope that you have the courage and self-love to step up and become more intentional about picking and creating families.
As always I didn’t do the chapter justice, do take time and read Meg Jay’s Book,’The Defining Decade.’
What are your thoughts about picking your family?
With Looooove and sunshine 🌞💖🌞💖,
Jackie The Queen👑👑👑