The Defining Decade Review by Meg Jay: The Upmarket Conversation
Hello Wild Ones 🌻🌻🌻 (Pink confetti for the Love in your Twenties)
I hope you are loving yourself right and taking good care of yourself. You deserve all the great things that life has to offer. I hope that you stick your head and enjoy the fresh air and every bit of breathe. Your existence is awesome. I am doing good, school is a little bit hectic but I will survive.
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Your Twenties, What’s love Got to do with it?
[Society] is structured to distract people from the decisions that have a huge impact on happiness in order to focus attention on the decisions that have a marginal impact on happiness. The most important decision any of us make is who we marry. Yet there are no courses on how to choose a spouse.David Brooks, political and cultural commentator.
I grew up hearing that I need to put my career first and that men only come later. There was this shame that is attached to having any particular relational dream. I have struggled with the idea that I dream of having a family. It feels like I am taking the feminist movement years back if I choose to look at marriage as a goal. I even wrote about it here. It was only after reading Meg Jay’s The Defining Decade that I got another perspective. It was able to help me figure out these feelings and place validation in my desire to have a family. I might even begin to work towards this goal. I am beginning to permit myself to love in my twenties as I work towards my goals too.
Why you should care about love in twenties
You might wonder why I am talking about love when you are supposed to be thinking about your career and business but listen. In her book, The Defining Decade, Meg Jay talks about how important the decision of who you marry is. She goes on to wonder why there are books to guide us through everything. When it comes to marriage we have to go down to Tv shows and soaps to actually have these conversations. This is interesting since the person you marry becomes tied to every aspect of your life. You may remain attached to you even after divorce if y’all have kids.
It strikes me is when she says ‘Failed Marriages cannot be left out of resumes like a failed jobs’. Why would you prepare through everything then get haphazard on the one thing that has so much power over your life? We like to plan around everything else. Then there is this. Maybe because we feel like it is not in our control but is it really true? Can you plan and work on your marriage even before having one? I will leave you to think about this.
I remember it was not until recently that it hit me that marriages are actually meant to be forever. At first, this realization made me choose not to think about marriage as much. I mean, I have forever to worry about it, right? Then after reading the Meg Jay novel, I wondered why I wasn’t planning for forever if it was forever. I am still learning what planning for love means; maybe I will write about it when I figure it out.
Delaying love in your twenties doesn’t mean success in your thirties
According to statistics, our generation stays single more than all the other generations. There is a notion that it is important to explore and also figure out your career and yourself before you get married. Makes sense right? What if I told you that doesn’t exactly guarantee that you are going to be a happy marriage? What if I told you that the friend that you make fun of because they are in a relationship could have better chance? Well, not exactly but they could.
In her book, ‘The Defining Decade’, Meg Jay talks about how she was involved in a study that followed 100 women from their twenties to their seventies and one thing that stood out is that most of their struggles came from their marriages. She remembers feeling lucky that this generation has a choice to wait later to get married. She would later realize that waiting doesn’t mean success.
Meg Jay goes on to talk about the lack of intentionality that we have when we love in our twenties while we take the advice about waiting. This lack of plan then creates a pattern of behaviors that we might not break out of when we are ready to marry. The reasoning behind not dating in your twenties is often that you are growing so it is important you do it on your own. But what if you are too set in your own ways which are sometimes not the best ways. What if growing together while in love is not the worst thing? We don’t rush into marriage but are we having the right conversation that could make waiting worth it? A penny for your thoughts!!
Love in your Twenties and the Age Thirty Deadline
This deadline was created by someone (we don’t know someone), but everyone’s alarm rings at 30. Everything changes at 30; you stop seeing commitment as something you want to do in the future but something you should have done in the past. You start to desire to be in a relationship almost immediately (allegedly, I have never been 30).
Some women claim that they rushed into marriages when they got to thirty because they felt their time was up, especially biologically. Biologically? Well, it is true that statically women become half as fertile as they were in their twenties in thirties and ¼ of their twenties fertility when they are in their forties. According to Meg Jay, men also panic when they turn 30, so it is a universal panic. You get a panic; I get a panic, everyone gets a panic!!! Does this mean that we need to settle earlier? What should we do to avoid the ‘universal’ panic?
Well, I think it is important to figure out what you want as early as you can. You could try this love thing in your twenties and figure out that this marriage thing is not for you. I think allowing yourself to plan what kind of partner you want and want to be will be key in figuring this all out. Making sure that you plan your love life right. Maybe one of these days we should talk about what that really looks like but today we will leave it here.
If you think love is on the table for you, make sure that you are intentional about it in your twenties so that you don’t rush into anything in your thirties. That said, I believe that we all can’t live life according to statistics and afraid that we will fail so I guess what I can say, ‘Live a life that is authentic to your true self and desires giving it your best and so that you never look back and wish you did more.’ I personally will be more intentional about my dating 💖💖 I don’t know what looks like but when I figure that out, I will probably write about it.
What do you think about love in your twenties?
With love and Light🌞💖🌞💖
Jackie (The Cutest Queen I know)