Hello Wild Ones ✨,
I hope you are well and doing great. I am currently full of hope and joy. These past weeks have been the best and also the worst. I have been through hell and also been the happiest in this short period.
There was a time that waking up was a struggle, and it took everything in me not to slit my wrists just to find a release of my pain. I thought I wouldn’t make it. I was struggling to breathe; it was painful as hell. My life made no sense to me. The thing about life is that you are never a good runner for some things, they always catch up with you. I had been living on the edge for a very long time then one push led me to fall and hit the rock bottom. Whenever I expressed my deep desire to die and how much I kept romanticizing death, people kept coming up with stuff like the fact that I should fight for those who love me but all I really wanted is be selfish. I wanted to live a life that was for me and if in this life all I had was pain then what was the point of living. I didn’t want to live for anyone but myself and I really didn’t know if I was worth fighting for. Sometimes you spend a lot of time fighting for others and tearing yourself down to fix them or the mistakes that they make that you no longer see yourself as a person but as a tool for their happiness and when they leave you don’t know where you belong in this world. I had spent so much time worrying about other people to take care of me so when it came down to me; I really didn’t see the point. I spent lots of time praying for natural death that no one would say I transferred my pain to the people who love me. I just wanted to die. This feeling hadn’t been caused by one event or one person, it was a combination of many things that I hadn’t dealt with and didn’t know how to deal with.
What kept me afloat was my friends who I spoke to for hours about everything and anything. I kept joking that if I committed suicide they wouldn’t feel so guilty because they did everything to keep me afloat and how the pandemic would create a perfect burial for me because I am such a loner and not so many people would come (Yes, I have really dark jokes). My friends are dark too because some actually laughed with me and oddly, as we laughed about it, I felt understood. They related to my pain and how badly I wanted to not wake up another day. I was tired of fighting and they made me feel that it was okay to give up, not comb my hair, stuff my face with food, and cry all day while still making it clear that committing suicide was not the answer.
What got me out of the woods was my therapist. She made me write a list of reasons why I wanted to die and another list that answered the question “I would want to live if”. She then made me compare the two list and notice what was common between the two which was the fact that I just wanted the pain to go away. I just wanted to wake up and feel like there was no huge wet blanket on my shoulders. I just wanted to not feel broken and lost. I just wanted to be okay. I didn’t want to die, I just thought that the pain would end if I died. Figuring this out on my own with the help of my therapist helped find the desire to fight not for anyone but for myself. Coming to terms with my pain and accepting that so much has happened to me gave the desire to meet the woman I would be after I have dealt with all my pain.
My therapist said that ” It’s gonna hurt the most before it heals,” and she was right. The week after my birthday was hell, everything hurt and the narrative of a strong woman kept weighing me down, I didn’t want to tell anyone how much I was struggling (Don’t call me strong btw, I hate it!!!) I wanted to cry so badly that I went searching for movies with really emotional storylines but my pain was beyond that stage. I just lay in bed hoping that everything would pass and eventually it just did. I remember how freeing it was to not feel so much pain. It felt like I had walked out of a tunnel of darkness and cold then hit with warm light. I was free!! I was at peace!!! I was going to be okay!!! This was the best feeling on earth and I was really grateful for it. It’s probably one of the happiest times in my life. I was happy alone. I had nothing. I had no one. I was just happy by myself. It was the best feeling.
I am far from healing and I still have moments when I feel like everything is slipping away but I now know how to handle it. I am still learning to love myself and forgive myself for all that I was and wasn’t to myself and others. May be one day I will actually look back at these struggles and be glad for the pain.
I don’t know what you will pick up from my long rumble. There’s probably nothing to pick from it. But I want you to know that no matter what happens you have yourself even when you feel like you have lost yourself; you are still there and you are worth fighting for. Also please don’t call me brave or strong or vulnerable in the comment section. We need to normalize talking about these things, it shouldn’t be impressive to talk about it, it should be normal.
With love and loooooove,