Jackie ‘s A to Z

Hello Wild Ones 🍒,

I hope you are well and doing awesome. I think my new normal is having a lot of joy and happiness just because I am alive and I am loving it. Let’s get to “S”!!!

I had a lot of words I wanted to use today but the one that spoke to me the most was Sexy. I remember the first time this word rolled out my tongue, I wanted to wash my mouth immediately. It was a dirty word that I didn’t want to say or be associated with. I was cute and innocent and that was enough. Then somewhere in my adulting, I met a human being that I wanted to find me desirable. And for a long time, I was sure that I was desirable because this human said so but the thing about humans is that they make mistakes. This human chose another to tell the same things they were telling me and even told them better things. I remember comparing myself a lot with this other human. I had been sexy one minute and the next I wasn’t. I remember feeling like my body wasn’t mine. I remember feeling so undesirable and hurt. I was disappointed in my body. It was supposed to be desirable to one person and it wasn’t. I wanted to jump out of my skin. I know!! I know!! I chose to hate myself for someone!! (Probably sounds stupid) But sometimes when you choose certain people to be your home, what they do and say becomes part of you because they are your world so why wouldn’t you believe them?

I remember going through a phase where I didn’t understand why I was even getting hit on. What exactly did they see? Are they just bored? They must have no other options? This is also another reason I obsessed over being smart. If I couldn’t be beautiful then at least I could be smart and may be someone will feel like that was all they needed from me.

I don’t know when I started to feel sexy about myself. Maybe it’s when I got maroon braids on and the fire in my hair started to rub on me. I remember how proud I was of how I looked that I kept taking selfies of myself. I even got this lipstick that I kept matching with my hair. It was in those moments of staring at my pictures that I felt really beautiful. Then came the waist beads. I wore them once in an attempt to create something for someone who knew that I beaded and I fell in love with the way I looked in it. I would wait for my roommate to leave so that I would strip and dance in front of the mirror as I admired myself. Slowly I began to see my own beauty and sexiness. When I dressed up every day I created a habit of spending time in front of the mirror in awe of how amazing I looked. I would take selfies and tell myself that I was beautiful every chance I got. I also learned to accept compliments when they came without trying to discredit them. Then came the lingerie, I had always heard of the power of wearing lingerie just because you can. So, I went and got myself some, and just wearing it beneath my normal outfits and showing up to school gave me this confidence I had never felt before. I fell even deeper with myself when I saw how I looked in the mirror. And my lastest love project would be this challenge. I feel sexier every day every time I take pictures. I am no longer afraid of the camera and what it captures. I am proud of every inch of my body and myself. I can proudly say that I am sexy and I will be getting sexier. I swear it’s over for all of you if only I can get into a regular disciplined routine.

Sexy can be a lot of things and the sexy part about sexy is that you get to define it. You get to be the one to decide what makes you sexy and how you like it. Sometimes it’s easy for the world to tell you that your sexy is not sexy enough but always remember that at the end of the day you are the only face and body you will always have to see daily so you better find a way to love your sexy. If it’s chanting that you are beautiful every day until you believe it, do it!!! You owe it to yourself to allow yourself to fall in love with yourself. Stare at that mirror until you find something that you love about yourself.

In Other News What am I wearing:

• My silver hoops
• Black trousers
• My peyote bands
• My promise rings
• My love-heart nose ring
• My waist beads
• My cute silver crop top
• Peach scarf
• My silver necklace with a ship wheel pendant

with loooove and sexy,

Jackie