Hello Wild Ones 🧡 🧡 🧡 🧡
I hope you are well and doing great. My prayer is that you are taking care of yourself and loving yourself right. I am currently full of joy and peace as usual. I decided to take a break from writing on Friday and Saturday because I felt like I was becoming a little addicted to writing and posting. I needed to assess what happens to me when I don’t write and post; a diagnosis is yet to be made.
The beginning of this month was the anniversary of the death of a friend. I had already made peace with the fact that he was no more but I couldn’t stop thinking about his dreams and talents. I was sure that he was going to be someone great and now he was no more. These thoughts led me to thinking about my own dreams and talents and my belief that I am going to be great someday. When someone asks me if I want to be famous, I always answer that I want my work to be famous like Shakespeare. The kind of fame that lasts more than 400 years; we all love a Shakespearen Sonnet. I began to relate my friend’s situation from his person, dreams, talent and the irony of his death; and my situation, my dreams, talent and the irony of my survival. Then came the existential crisis that led me to say “sometimes I have no clue”.
I had many questions but one that kept reoccurring is “How do we make good decisions because sometimes I have no clue?” Life is a series of many decisions; good and bad. My Christian friends will tell me that they make decisions by praying and asking for guidance. Others will tell me that they meditate for clarity. Others will talk about listening to their instincts.
When I am making decisions, I have a subconscious ritual. I make a pro-con list ask Doctor Google, ask humans I trust, make up the worst possible scenarios then I make a decision. This thought process usually takes about one day. It is also tainted with all biases my little flowery world has. Even with my obsessive nature in every decision I make, I still fuck up. I still hurt people, miss opportunities and hurt myself. Even with a thought process created for the sole purpose of keeping me informed,sometimes I have no clue.
This is one of those rambles that will probably make no sense to anyone. Heck, they make no sense to me. It’s fair to say that right now, I have no clue. No clue about so many things. No clue if feeling like this is okay. No clue what having no clue means. No clue why my head is floating away. No clue how . No clue what. Sometimes I have no clue, that’s just it.
If you get this far, then you are as confused as I am. My put-together circus is falling apart and I don’t know which pieces to pick up. I am not sad or depressed, I just don’t know. It’s like being at peace but yet so disturbed. It’s like being in a very clean kitchen but every cabinet open. Or having like thirty unopen whatsapp texts. Okay, I give up trying to explain just know, sometimes I have no clue like right now.
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With loooooooove and hope,