Hello Wild Ones🌸🌸🌸,
I hope you are well and that you are doing great things. My prayer is that you are listening to your feelings and taking good care of yourself. I am currently very confused and a little panicked, school is starting soon. Also if you have always followed me, you will notice that the past week has been a repeat of my old content. (I took a break).
I have been spending the past few days over-analyzing myself and wondering if I push people away. See in the past few days, I have been walking away from any situation that made me feel less or just disturbed my peace. It started with an understanding that engaging with certain people in any way would probably take me back a few months of progress in my mental health. I made the decision to not talk to them at all. Some friends I stopped talking to because I realized that I was a different person than the person they knew. I didn’t feel I needed to keep explaining myself and the struggle of leaving the box that they had put for me was too much. I also developed a habit of walking away from situations at the first red flags without offering too many second chances (I have a history of being a martyr for love).
I beat myself up for a long time then I realized I couldn’t expect my new self to keep doing the same old things and being with the same old people. The thing about being codependent and having no boundaries is that once you move on from those habits, it’s so hard for those you were friends to change with you. You move from always being available for them no matter what to showing up only when you have the mental capacity to be there. You move from apologizing for saying no to using ‘no’ as a complete sentence. You own your story and you unapologetically tell it like it is. You refuse to be put down or let anyone tell your story any differently. You understand that your job is not to fix people and solve their problems. You learn that you don’t have to talk about your trauma in an attempt to bond with people. This kind of change doesn’t bring everyone that you thought as your friend with you and sometimes it is okay if you lost friends because then you are gaining yourself.
When I first heard the concept of losing people to gain yourself, I only thought of the beauty of gaining yourself. The pain of losing friends as you grow is messier and uglier than I expected. I thought that it would be the kind that you just drift apart and then look back five years later to realize that you lost each other. Some of my friends we had long prolonged arguments that couldn’t be solved because we were too different. Others I had to make the decision to stop engaging them because of how I felt after engaging with them. Others it was one argument with so many harsh things said; the kind that you can never come back from. Others it was the realization that you would never be the person they wanted you to be and choosing to walk away.
I lost all these people in a span of six months. At first, it felt like I had failed in my relationships. I felt that I wasn’t lovable and unworthy of love because I had failed to maintain my relationships. Once I established that I was worthy of love (still a work in progress) and wasn’t really the problem, I had a fight with love. I didn’t understand how I could love each of all those people and still feel that they were better off not in my life for my sake and theirs. I still don’t understand this concept but then again there is probably no philosophy in this world that can make the heartbreak of loving from a distance make sense. Sometimes we grew, lost and it hurts like a bitch.
With love and growth,