Sometimes we grew, lost and it hurts

Hello Wild Ones🌸🌸🌸,

I hope you are well and that you are doing great things. My prayer is that you are listening to your feelings and taking good care of yourself. I am currently very confused and a little panicked, school is starting soon. Also if you have always followed me, you will notice that the past week has been a repeat of my old content. (I took a break).

I have been spending the past few days over-analyzing myself and wondering if I push people away. See in the past few days, I have been walking away from any situation that made me feel less or just disturbed my peace. It started with an understanding that engaging with certain people in any way would probably take me back a few months of progress in my mental health. I made the decision to not talk to them at all. Some friends I stopped talking to because I realized that I was a different person than the person they knew. I didn’t feel I needed to keep explaining myself and the struggle of leaving the box that they had put for me was too much. I also developed a habit of walking away from situations at the first red flags without offering too many second chances (I have a history of being a martyr for love).

I beat myself up for a long time then I realized I couldn’t expect my new self to keep doing the same old things and being with the same old people. The thing about being codependent and having no boundaries is that once you move on from those habits, it’s so hard for those you were friends to change with you. You move from always being available for them no matter what to showing up only when you have the mental capacity to be there. You move from apologizing for saying no to using ‘no’ as a complete sentence. You own your story and you unapologetically tell it like it is. You refuse to be put down or let anyone tell your story any differently. You understand that your job is not to fix people and solve their problems. You learn that you don’t have to talk about your trauma in an attempt to bond with people. This kind of change doesn’t bring everyone that you thought as your friend with you and sometimes it is okay if you lost friends because then you are gaining yourself.

When I first heard the concept of losing people to gain yourself, I only thought of the beauty of gaining yourself. The pain of losing friends as you grow is messier and uglier than I expected. I thought that it would be the kind that you just drift apart and then look back five years later to realize that you lost each other. Some of my friends we had long prolonged arguments that couldn’t be solved because we were too different. Others I had to make the decision to stop engaging them because of how I felt after engaging with them. Others it was one argument with so many harsh things said; the kind that you can never come back from. Others it was the realization that you would never be the person they wanted you to be and choosing to walk away.

I lost all these people in a span of six months. At first, it felt like I had failed in my relationships. I felt that I wasn’t lovable and unworthy of love because I had failed to maintain my relationships. Once I established that I was worthy of love (still a work in progress) and wasn’t really the problem, I had a fight with love. I didn’t understand how I could love each of all those people and still feel that they were better off not in my life for my sake and theirs. I still don’t understand this concept but then again there is probably no philosophy in this world that can make the heartbreak of loving from a distance make sense. Sometimes we grew, lost and it hurts like a bitch.

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Today’s Tip

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With love and growth,

Jackie

23 Comments Add yours

  1. A break is good so that you can have a new vibe coming..to recharge and come back stronger.
    Glad you are back.

    1. jackie says:

      Thank you so much.❤❤❤

  2. I love how much i relate to this post. For the better part of this year i have really questioned my ability to maintain friendships. I have lost so many friends and only now am i finally realising that it’s okay to outgrow people, situations and things.
    Amazing read!❤

    1. jackie says:

      Here’s to growth even when it hurts.❤❤❤ Thank you for reading

      1. Yaaaas!🍻
        Anytime 😊

  3. Doreen says:

    I love this one!
    Over time, I have accepted that friends come and go and I’m not stagnant, it is perfectly fine for me to move too. Growing means embracing your own individual path and ideologies and with it relationships that align with your identity. If your paths no longer cross and energies don’t match, it makes perfect sense to move on.
    Finding friends who you vibe with through the phases and grow together is so rare and a BLESSING!

    1. jackie says:

      True it’s rare to find the person who vibes with you through the phases and grow together is so rare , I am always jealous of people with such people. Thank you for reading.

  4. Loved reading this! I have experienced losing people to gain myself, it can be messy but can also be rewarding as well 🙂

    1. jackie says:

      True. You just hold on the fact that its rewarding. Thank you for reading.

  5. Just shan says:

    Reading through..everything is so relatable and so true..I never understand why a lot happens sometimes and how we even get misunderstood by our actions..or maybe that’s just how life is..full of sacrifices for our own sake

    1. jackie says:

      Yeah I guess loss is just part of the journey. Thank you for reading.

      1. Just shan says:

        Always ☺☺

  6. Joana says:

    I relate so much in this, I cut ties with people that hurt my mental health. But during this quarantine I find myself isolating so much, that communicating with friends became such a chore for me. But it’s great that I have friends who understand me when I’m in this kind of mood of not talking to anyone. And when we start talking again, nothing changed, and we still have the same fun and chemistry like we always did before.

    Yes, friends come and go but the true ones will stick with you no matter what. 😊

    1. jackie says:

      True, true friends always stick with you.

  7. Dragthepen says:

    The journey takes many different stages.

    1. jackie says:

      True. Thank you for reading.

  8. I relate with you so much on this! This pandemic made me realize that I’m so much more different from what a few of my friends think of me and even though I haven’t spoken much with some of them, I know that when school starts, it would be different for me because I don’t think I can keep up with being that version of me they thought I was.
    I’ve been dissociating alot lately and I feel bad but the ones who know me and understand will always be there. School will be starting soon over here too and I’m mad anxious about it. I hope you’ll be feeling alot better before going back to school, take care❤

    1. jackie says:

      I hope you also keep being true to yourself. Thank you for reading.

  9. I’ve also lost relationships throughout my mental health journey, but I try to remind myself I’ve also gained healthier relationships throughout my journey as well. It doesn’t always take away that feeling of loss, but it does help. Thank you for sharing!

    1. jackie says:

      Thank you for commenting. It feels good to know that I am not doing anything wrong.

  10. Mellie says:

    So relatable 😔😔

    1. jackie says:

      Thank you for reading.

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