To All the boys that I have loved

Hello Wild Ones🌼 🌼 🌼 ,

I hope you are well and doing great things. I hope that you are loving on yourself and giving yourself grace for your shortcomings. I am currently full of hope in the future and trust that I am going to be fine. I am also learning that healing needs a lot of patience and it’s important to take one day at a time.

I have been thinking about writing this for a while now and I will probably take a while to post it too. Anyway here goes. This is inspired by all my four exes who I loved and still love in a very different way. (Yes, This girl loves to love)

To the boys that I have ever loved. Thank you for teaching this beautiful thing where my head would get in this beautiful sunshine and my heart would feel like it was floating and just yearning to give more (Especially my first love). Thank you for the times you were all I needed to smile and make my worries less. I like to think that this was part of your ordained purpose in my life. We had a good run and for a while I was happy solely because of you (well until I wasn’t).

To boys that I have ever loved, I am perfectly imperfect. I didn’t have the courage to say this to you then but now I do. In a way, I let you chip away my confidence with the small comments like “You are difficult “, ” You are too emotional”, “Thank God, Your Tummy is almost flat”. I am not perfect but I am enough. I am not difficult, and just because you couldn’t take time to study my authentic self or understand my poetry ; I refuse to be labelled hard to understand. I refuse to feel like my emotions are too much. I refuse to be almost anything. I am enough. I am complete.

To the boys that I ever loved, I have boundaries now. I let you cross my boundaries so many times and each time I would say, “Next time I won’t be so forgiving” knowing fully I will find an excuse to forgive your constant breaking of my fences. I let myself feel bad for the anger I felt when you hurt me. I let myself feel guilty and ashamed for being sad when you made me sad. I was afraid of exerting my boundaries because then I would lose you since you were never going to stop hurting me. Well, now I am done being sorry. I have boundaries now and they have consequences.

To the boys that I have ever loved, I am sorry, I hadn’t worked on my mental health and my trauma. I was a wounded child with a lot of pain and I sometimes think I spilled some of it on you. I am sorry you were the lesson and never the one. I am sorry you were the one I practiced my codependency on. I am sorry I didn’t know any better and now you have a big scar with me written all over it. I hope you find forgiveness in my errors and healing in the trauma that I caused you.

To the boys I ever loved, I am sorry I fell in love with your potential. I looked at you and fell in love with the man I thought you should be. I set out to change you and fix you but as fate would have it, you couldn’t change so I got frustrated at this and made it hard for you. I am sorry I tried to change you into my prince charming. I hope you find someone who loves you for you.

To the boys I have ever loved, I am sorry that when you hurt me, I waited for you to fix me. I am sorry I didn’t forgive you for your shortcomings and eventually, I found myself hoping you would hurt the same that I did because of you. I am sorry, I didn’t walk away even when I knew I had taken too much from you because then I hurt you just in case our levels of hurt were the same and we could make it work. I am sorry I made it your job to build my confidence just because being with you eroded it so much. I am sorry I set out to be your best but wound up your nightmare. I hope you find the peace that you deserve even though sometimes I debate this. (I sometimes want you to wake up in the middle of the night and think about me and regret hurting and losing me)

To the boys I ever loved, I hope your actions and words actually learn to say the same thing. If you love her, then let both speak. I hope you find the courage to walk away from someone when you no longer feel the same instead of always hurting them while telling them you love them. It is confusing to be told that you are loved and then hurt so much through actions.

To the boys that I loved, I am also sorry that I knew that you no longer loved me enough to stay with me but didn’t walk away. You said it in very many indirect words but I refused to see it just because I loved you. I am sorry I loved you so much that I thought my love would be enough for both of us. I am sorry, my love was selfish. I should have let you go the minute you said it indirectly and for that I am sorry.

To the boys that I loved, I hope you love woman for her dreams with the understanding that they are not decorations you can take out when you decide. They are her life so you better not be afraid of the possibilities of her dreams and the sacrifices she has to make for them. This kind of journey is not for the faint hearted.

To the boys that I have ever loved, thank you for breaking my heart. Every time I became a better person and I loved myself even harder each time. You were a journey to this amazing person that I am. Although there are times I wish that I hadn’t met you, I am grateful that this is the person that I wound up being on the other side. To be honest, sometimes I wish I had met some of you in the mental state that I am in now because then it would have saved both of us so much heartache. Maybe in the future, we might actually be friends💓💓. But know this, to the boys I have ever loved, I will always love you no matter what even when I don’t think we should ever talk. Sometimes you can only love someone from a distance. I also hope that you love better than did with me.

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Today’s tip

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With loooove and peace,

Jackie

35 Comments Add yours

  1. darellphilip says:

    Congratulations! I have nominated you for The Original Outstanding Blogger Award – check out my latest blog post here for details: https://darellphilip.wordpress.com/2020/08/05/the-original-outstanding-blogger-award/?preview=true

  2. Am amazed by your gratitude🥰

    1. jackie says:

      Really? Why?

      1. Not many people exhibit an upbeat spirit towards their lost love.

        1. jackie says:

          True!

          1. You are my first actually and am baffled by your forgiving and big heart.
            They really lost a gem!

            1. jackie says:

              I agree they definitely lost a gem but the truth is also that I was not perfect.

              1. Yeah-what amazes me is that you are smart enough to realise that they were part of your growth just as you were integral to theirs too.

  3. ashok says:

    Love and peace to you too Jackie 💖🤗

    1. jackie says:

      Thank you

      1. ashok says:

        My pleasure Jackie 😊

  4. Nanyingi says:

    That part where you point out how they were ready to walk away but you thought your love was enough for both, i relate, i have a hard time letting go so when am forced, i find a way to hold on in my own way.
    Anyways this is a beautiful peace, so real and true. I also believe that this is a journey of growth and sorry for those that face us when we don’t know how to love ourselves or even them.but good enough you now know who you are what you want and what you don’t . The future awaits

    1. jackie says:

      Thank you for sharing. True the future awaits for both of us!! Sending love and light. Thank you for reading.

    2. Liz Njoroge says:

      So true… We’re all imperfect.. Grace should be given to both parties because we’re all learning and unlearning ❤️🙏lessons make us stronger

  5.  “I let myself feel bad for the anger I felt when you hurt me. I let myself feel guilty and ashamed for being sad when you made me sad. I was afraid of exerting my boundaries because then I would lose you since you were never going to stop hurting me.”

    I felt this so deeply 💔.

    1. jackie says:

      I am glad you related. Thank you for reading.

  6. Just shan says:

    the boys I ever loved, I hope your actions and words actually learn to say the same thing. If you love her, then let both speak. I hope you find the courage to walk away from someone when you no longer feel the same instead of always hurting them while telling them you love them. It is confusing to be told that you are loved Andrea then hurt so much through actions..

    Well that was the part that hit the notch for me
    …because it corrects explains why and saves one from further hurt.

    Whenever someone says sth positive or at least identifies themselves as guilt or as apologetic to what never lasted due to one or two..it makes me smile because that for me would mean we’re on the right track..not everything always works out and to those we loved and it just couldn’t get further at some point..it was both of us..and we need to make peace with it.somehow that makes us see the brighter side

    1. jackie says:

      True. Being accountable with ourselves is important when a relationship ends. It helps one to move on. Thank you for reading Shan.

      1. Just shan says:

        Exactly❤❤
        You’re welcomed Jackie❤

  7. Just shan says:

    And..I loved what you got us..keep up👏🏼👏🏼

  8. Liz Njoroge says:

    Awesome ❤️

    1. jackie says:

      Thank you

  9. Bena Wangui says:

    Amazing piece! Love the honesty and vulnerability.

    1. jackie says:

      Thank you Bena🧡🧡

  10. Awesome piece, Jackie.

    1. jackie says:

      Thank you 🧡 🧡

      1. Welcome 🥰

  11. Im relating hard. Every line hits different. The part you feel bad for feeling bad when they make you sad felt that.

  12. I hope they do get to read this and become better version of themselves.

    1. jackie says:

      me too. Thank you for reading.

      1. You’re welcome!

  13. Gal, I hope I will get there. For now, to the boys I ever loved, I hope one of you comes across Jackie’s blog.

    1. jackie says:

      I hope they do thank you for reading.

  14. Robert Mbeya says:

    Interesting I must say, a brother is all in his feelings right now. I’m thinking of writing “To all the girls that I have loved. Nice work though..

    1. jackie says:

      You should. Thank you for reading.

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