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Unreliable Witness

Posted by jackie on May 21, 2020May 20, 2020

Hello wild ones,

I hope you are well and keeping safe. I have been going through all kinds of emotions but I am pushing through.

Unreliable Witness

Sometimes I know

Sometimes I just don’t know

See it happened to me

I am the key witness

But I am a unreliable witness

Everyday I have different stories for the same story

I just wish this stories was black and white and not a rainbow

With love and looove,

Jackie

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One of the questions I asked my therapist was how long it would take to feel normal again. She told me to write a letter to my 'normal' self and telling her all that has changed. While writing this letter, I put certain things as things I could only do when I felt "normal". Whenever opportunities to do these things came, I would run away because I had decided. I had decide that I wasn't worthy of certain spaces because I was healing. While everyone else looked at me like this broken item that needed fixing, I am the one who gave the broken lense to see me through. I was walking through life waiting for the day I heal then I can reward myself with everything I gave up. Then one day I came to realise that I had ostracised myself from the world just because I had things I needed to heal from. Don't get me wrong of course there's need to step back and give yourself space to heal when you go through something. Just don't lock yourself in when you meant to create a healthy boundary. As soon as I wrote this, I wondered what the difference between these two is. I honestly wouldn't know. I just know that I deserve a life and refuse to punish myself for having gone through a trauma. I am doing the work to be better and I know better. I am going to be fine and those around are also going to be fine. ⠀

After reading Meg Jay’s ‘The Defining Decade,’ I got a new perspective about relationships in our twenties. I have always believed that I should wait until my thirties to really care about romance. Then I saw one thing that Meg Jay said that stuck with ‘Delaying love in your twenties doesn’t really guarantee success.’ It was really shocking to actually come to this realization because it hit it on the head. What really makes you ready for love by just waiting? If you don’t actually put in the work to know the kind partner you want, the kind of partner you are, how you function in a relationship, and how your dreams play out in your relationship. Your thirties are going to find you not ready for love, and wait will be a complete waste of time—date with a purpose.⠀

I often have this crippling fear that thirty is gonna come and I will not be ready when it comes to love. I have heard of the thirty panic. How everyone turns thirty and commitment especially in relationships becomes something that one should have paid more attention to and give more time. Reading Meg Jay's 'The Defining Decade’ not only made me more aware of this fear but also made me understand that I had the power to turn my luck with the thirty deadline. It is simply understanding your true desires authentic to you even in a relationship and understanding that you have control over this. Meaning be intentional in your love life as you are in everything else. Aim to be a great partner as you desire a great partner and it will come!!⠀

I grew up hearing that I need to put my career first and that men only come later. There was this shame that is attached to having any particular relational dream. I have struggled with the idea that I dream of having a family. It feels like I am taking the feminist movement years back if I choose to look at marriage as a goal. I even wrote about it. It was only after reading Meg Jay’s The Defining Decade that I got another perspective. It was able to help me figure out these feelings and place validation in my desire to have a family. I might even begin to work towards this goal. I am beginning to permit myself to love in my twenties as I work towards my goals too.⠀

I remember having this loaming cloud in my life from a very young age. I couldn’t give it a name or talk about it because talking about bad emotions was bad. I was even afraid of crying so I barely ever did. I always felt that it was wrong that I was going through. Someone else has had harder that I have so why would I act like the world is collapsing? Why would I cry about the speck in my eye when there is someone with a log in their eyes? I always to felt that if I allowed myself feel, I would be taking up space and attention from those who have been through than what I have been. I silenced myself for a very long time until one day everything came pouring out and I honestly didn’t know what to do with my feelings. I remember on my first day in therapy, my therapist asked me, ‘Why do you worry so much about other people when you have so much to carry?’ I remember feeling validated, no one had told that it was okay to cry because my fingers hurt. No one had told that it is okay to fall on my knees when I feel like they are failing. Giving myself permission to feel has been liberating. It has made me a better human since I no longer my feelings to anyone, I feel them and then deal with them. I wish I could tell you that it is easy to let yourself feel but it is not. It will hurt like a bitch but then you will have dealt with it rather letting it you slice you up daily. You are an awesome human being and you deserve to see that in yourself. So feel it all. ⠀

Knowing the signs of when you are not okay is not just a great act of self-love for yourself but also for the people that you love and relate with. Taking good care of yourself allows you to pour better from your vessel and also make sure that you give the best those around you. You deserve to have the best quality of life full of peace and joy so I hope you always find the courage to take whatever that is causing you to be not okay and fight it. I hope you become aware of your signs and always show up for yourself because you are deserve a great love story from yourself.⠀

When I got hurt by someone sometime back, I thought that this person had to work to fix me. They really hurt me. They took so much from me, and I felt that they owed it to me to fix me or make me feel better. One thing that they had really broken was my self-esteem, and I legit demanded that they show up to pick me up every time that I no longer felt about myself. This would then turn me into the thing that I hated about the person that had broken me. In the process of waiting to be fixed, I broke them too. Obviously, this would strain the relationship and later make me feel like a horrible person. It would take this guilt to realize that the only person that could fix me was me. The only person who could really pick up my pieces was me. ⠀

When I am not okay, I tend to project my issues on people. As I become more self-aware, I can recognize this terrible trait. I also take on the victim mentality more, and everyone just seems to be doing me wrong. During this time, I make everyone’s life hell or make lots of mental notes of things I don’t like about people. I am very petty during this season, too but thank God I am an introvert, so I barely have to deal with that many people. Knowing the signs that you are not okay helps to avoid being the ‘toxic’ one in situations because you can tell when you are projecting your own frustrations on others. ⠀

I always crave baked goods when I am really sad. I remember when I was really struggling with mourning the loss of a friend, and I was always buying samosas. My friends would always joke about how small people love eating, but later, I figured that I had only started the Samosa obsession after losing my friend. Samosas are still my number one comfort food even now. I was never soothed with food as a kid, so I am not sure where the binge eating came from. Maybe it’s because we would only eat baked goods on special occasions as kids, so now my brain is seeking to feel special, so I don’t really crave the goods; I just crave the feeling of special occasions. Who knows? Knowing the signs you are not okay helps you catch negative coping mechanisms and replace them with good ones.⠀

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