Hello wild ones🌞🌞,

I hope you are well. I have been away for a while now. I have been building the blocks and filling my cup so that I can offer better support and fill cups in my own way. I wanna say that I am back now (I said this a few months back🤣🤣). I hope I am here to stay.

When I started this blog, I felt that I had a story to tell the world. I wanted to change the world with beautiful and authentic stories. I bared my soul, told embarrassing stories and wrote essays about stuff I wondered about. I had hoped that I would create a space for someone who just like me to know that they were not alone. I have always had bouts of depression for as long as I have known myself. I wanted this blog to serve as a personal diary for the day I would wake up and I was no longer struggling through life because of depression. This space was supposed to be a light in the tunnel for people who struggle with mental health issues.

Life had a different plan; I got diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder and for a while it felt like hope was paralyzing. It is one thing to climb a mountain of struggle and have a great reflection later but another to know that the climb never ends. I mean I got medication but I wasn’t prepared for the ups and downs that are probably going to last me till the day I die. When I first got the diagnosis, I remember feeling relieved that the split I felt in my spirit had a name. For the first time, I could talk about how sometimes my brain feels like it’s on overdrive and not be crazy. Then came the dread that I was going to take my medication for the rest of my life.

I remember that I had a plan for my life. I was gonna finish university work in the corporate world for two years then go to graduate school. I was so in love with a boy who felt like sunshine. Then this well-needed bomb blew up my life. Life was hard when I didn’t know that I had bipolar disorder but I never anticipated how hard it would be once I found out. Before I would go through these bouts of depression and power through them by creating a great mask. Now I had a name for exactly what was happening to me and I knew it wouldn’t be fair to me to wear the mask. I wanted to keep the plan but I no longer wanted to wear the mask so I threw the plan away. I also let go of the boy who felt like sunshine because I needed to believe that I was the sun too especially after everything fell apart (such Grey’s Anatomy reference).

Once upon a time I told a friend that just because they got diagnosed with a mental illness doesn’t mean they can’t have the life they want. I never realised that I would have to remind myself of those words. Of course when I remembered them, I figured out how hard believing them was. The bipolar experience is unique to everyone. To me it feels like a heavy load I have to carry as I climb the steps to the life I want. Sometimes the load is too heavy and I fall flat on my face. Sometimes the load is light and I think to myself ‘I got this; I will be fine.’ Other times the load is a balloon and I fly through my steps (one of the perks of having bipolar is that I can be such a genius sometimes). I have learnt to acknowledge the load and adjust my life to it. I lean into the load and that’s how I take the steps to life I want.

I am reclaiming my plan. I will get everything that I desire. I now know that I am the freaking sun and in my darkest days I still shine. The clouds may visit but my day still arrives. I continue to show up no matter what. I am rising and the world is going to be my bitch (excuse my French). I can’t wait for the rest of my life!!!

🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞

What have you been up to?